Sookie Goes Gaga
by Butane Koala Bear
Summary: Sookie knew that a girls night out with Pam was never going to be  normal, but even she didn't expect such chaos!


**Hey guys! I was talking to a friend the other day about how the world would react if vampires were real, and a crazy tangent led to me writing this one-shot. I hope you like it.**

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><p>"Please tell me where we're going." I slouched back in the passenger seat; my boredom had sunk to an all time low.<p>

"Guess." Pam replied, not taking her eyes off the wheel.

"All I know is that it can't be anywhere civilised dressed like that." I laughed; Pam was wearing that black filmy PVC Fangtasia dress she usually hates wearing; she was definitely more of a pastel girl, in fashion sense anyway, the rest of her was closer to Marilyn Manson than Monroe.

"I'm more suited to the occasion that you are... ponytail." Pam countered.

I kinda was vamp-bait tonight; I had on my favourite pink floral dress, which did happen to be so short that it was perhaps lucky for once that my Gran couldn't see it. And as usual, I did have my hair in a ponytail; I can take on the world once my hair is in a ponytail. I guess I did look pretty hot, but not in a sexy way, more of a "you look like a sweet girl" way.

"Mind telling me why you couldn't drag along anyone else to keep you company?" I asked.

"You boy Eric is away on business, and Bill, although delightful, his idea of fun is researching the history of Taxidermy. Don't worry; I paid for your ticket anyway."

So it was a ticketed event; Rocky Horror Picture Show? Some Ladies night at a strip club- if it was my cousin Claude stripping I might vomit at how screwed up it would be. Or perhaps an early Halloween party? That was what I got from the way Pam was dressed. Then again, this was Pam, so anything could happen.

"We're going to the Lady Gaga concert in Shreveport." Pam said.

I sighed- very loudly. Just why Pam? This was going to be a long night, especially since I was more of a Taylor Swift girl myself. I have enough freaky shit in my life as it is, without going to see a woman who practically eat, sleeps, breathes, sweats and shits every freaky thing known to human kind, and quite a few things beyond human kind. Gaga wasn't the word for it.

"Don't moan. You'll love it! She's brilliant, not to mention she's done lots for the vampire community." Pam said.

No celebrity had embraced the vampire community as much as Lady Gaga had; she'd given talks at congress and political rallies pressing for equal rights for vampires, had gotten vampire bodyguards and backup dancers and wore a dress made off empty bottles of True Blood at the MTV awards.

"I know. But it's no wonder she does so much for vamps. She's like clinically insane!" I said.

"You jealous just because Eric was the love interest in her music video for 'Paparazzi'?" Pam teased. Yeah, because I was really jealous that she fake made out with him (at least I hope it was fake) and then poisoned him at the end.

"Of course not." I replied.

"So, you didn't ignore Eric for a week for saying that his dream three-way would be you, him and Lady Gaga." Pam replied. Shit! I can't believe Eric actually told her that! Even I, with my renowned sassy Southern belle wit couldn't think of a way to get myself out of that. So I just stayed quiet, hoping I could make Pam feel as awkward as she'd made me feel.

"I can't judge him. You and her are probably in mine too." Pam said.

Hey Pam! It's me who's trying to you feel awkward, not the other way around this! I just pretended she never said it. I guess it kind of was a compliment, however disturbing the notion was.

"Any reason why you're so excited about seeing her then?" I asked. Pam has no real compassion, so there's no point doing the silent treatment for too long.

"She's the human female who's had the most profound influence on my life; besides Dear Abby of course." Pam answered. Now that hurt, at best in Pam's books I was sloppy thirds to a newspaper advice columnist and a girl who goes dress shopping at the Wal-Mart meat counter!

"How exactly?" I asked, dreading the answer. I knew Lady Gaga had crazy human fans, but even crazier vampire fans; anytime I visit Eric at Fangtasisa I'm usually greeted by "P-P-P-Poker Face P-P-P-Poker Face".

"It's because our lives mirror each other..." Does Lady Gaga force helpless telepathic blondes to attend concerts against their will? "I mean we both have a very individual fashion sense, refuse to let any man stamp us down, and have an artistic and overpoweringly magnetising personality."

Pam had reached the point of no return into insanity. That just proved it, and it got cemented when she whipped a homemade pair of Lady Gaga's sunglasses made of cigarettes and put them on; while she was still driving.

"Take them off now!" I screamed, clinging to the seat for dear life.

"You're no fun." Pam moaned, still driving, refusing to take them off. The car swerving from side to side of the road.

"You nearly run that old lady over."

"Fine." Pam took them off, like an annoying child who's had their super-soaker confiscated.

Eventually we arrived at the arena. We sat in the car for a few minutes, because Pam needed to touch up on her makeup. I could tell that we were at the right place since a throng of people were dressed in all weird and wonderful clothes, just looking at them gave me a migraine; diamante encrusted sunglasses, leather jackets and lots of Coke cans rolled around your hair, seemed to be the most popular costume. I stuck out like Steve Newlin would've at Fangtasia.

Speaking of Steve Newlin, those idiots at the Fellowship of the Sun detested Lady Gaga, so much so they had crowned her the "Queen Fangbanger"; they were trying to picket every single one of her concerts. So I guess I had to respect her for pissing them off so much that she took the dubious title which I previously held.

Right now there was about ten people, you know, the archetypal religious zealots; pullovers, wire framed glasses and socks with sandals. All held homemade cardboard signs. _"One way ticket to hell", "Lady Gay Gay will damage your soul" and "She loves Judas! Therefore she should be put to death!" _were some of the many "creative" slogans they thought up. But the one that took the biscuit was _"She's the second coming of Satan, Jezebel and the whore of Babylon all in one!"_

In times like this I wish I assault was legal. Because however much I detested violence, someone sure needed to give them a good seeing to.

"Shit. Pam. What if any of them recognise me. You know, since I'm probably still on Steve Newlin's hit list," perhaps lower down than before thanks to Lady Gaga, but still I wasn't going to risk it.

"I've got just the thing," Pam grinned wickedly, I dreaded to see where this was going. "Put these on," She passed me the cigarette sunglasses. Ok I definitely didn't like where this was going.

"How the hell will I be able to see anything in these?"

"Just hold my hand and I'll guide you. If we're in the middle of a big crowd of fans we'll be inconspicuous... well as inconspicuous as two gorgeous buxom blondes can be."

I put the sunglasses on, and instantly felt as though I'd been blinded. I felt Pam's moisturised, strawberry scented, French nail covered hand clasp around my wrist and start to lead me out. From the noise that sounded like feeding time at the zoo, I could guess that we were in the middle of a klatch (that was my word of the day last Wednesday, it means a gathering of people) of riled up fans. The noise of this pleasantly rambunctious bunch was only matched by the condemning chants of those Fellowship bigots.

All was going good, until I made the unfortunate mistake of getting my heel caught on Pam's dress, and within seconds we were both on the floor, out of the crowd and right in front of the protesters. My not-so-clever disguise ruined now that the glasses had fallen off. Just my luck.

"Is that the Stackhouse whore who Reverend Newlin warned us about?" A sixty-something bald man asked, like angry villager number three in an old Frankenstein movie.

"Don't be stupid Joseph... Oh wait it is." A long silver haired woman replied, most likely his wife. Both of them dressed in bargain bin clothes like all the other Fellowship members.

"She's with a vampire! It's a woman!"

"Don't seem shocked, I thought the boobs gave it away." Pam sniggered, if I had the guts I would've gone right in these moron's faces and done a "four clicks in a z formation"- how gangsta of me I know.

"You're kind should sink back down to the depths of hell where you belong. And take those two blonde fangbanging hookers with you." Joseph spat back. I took it the two hookers in question were me and Lady Gaga.

"Yeah you homosexual!" The random woman who I've decided to call Mary cut in; who I think assumed Pam and I were dating.

"Bisexual actually." Pam snorted. I hid partly behind Pam so that they couldn't see that my legs were shaking, however pathetic these two were, my past experiences with the Fellowship involved being kidnapped, staked and nearly blown to smithereens, which made me a little bit worried that this would lead to my life being somewhat in danger!

"Get lost now, before you really start to annoy us." Joseph said. I think he was threatening us. Pam ignored him and started walking off, I was right behind her.

"Hang on just one minute, whatever happened to love thy fucking neighbour?" I turned around and shouted; now deciding that I'd rather risk being attacked than let them have the last word. That was me all over; moody and reckless.

"Fangbanger! Fangbanger! Fangbanger!" They all started chanting; obviously they couldn't think of as sassy comebacks as Pam and I could.

Pam turned around and gave me a wink that said "This will really piss them off". Before I could even take this in I was leaning backwards and making out with Pam. They all let out a disgusted cry and turned away. Pam let go of me, we carried on walking.

"That was... unexpected." I said, still tasting her peach lip-gloss.

"That's me alright... Hey that's another thing me and Gaga have in common- we're both renowned for doing the unexpected." Pam said. I was starting to think that she really believed that she and Gaga had some spiritual connection.

We joined the vast line of fans; I expected them to be all barely teenage girls, but I was surprised, out of all the concerts I had been to, this one definitely had the most varied demographic; there were teenagers, drag queens, little kids, married couples, lots and lots of shifters, families and the usually frustrated middle aged guys who loved rock and roll back in the days, heck there was even grandparents there with their grandkids!

We waited for what seemed like forever. So much so that she took out her I-Phone and began surfing the web.

"Damn!" She shouted, nearly throwing the phone through the wall. "Sookie, do you know how to edit pages on Wikipedia. I was just checking my page and it says I'm meth addicted go-go dancer!"

"I don't sorry." I apologised. It hurt me that Pam had a Wikipedia page, and I didn't.

"No worries. It was probably Bill; I'll make him change it back. He must've wanted revenge after I set him up an account on a gay dating website without him knowing."

"You did that!" I burst into giggles.

"Yeah. He totally flipped out on me when he kept on having guys knocking his door with flowers."

Now if I loved Pam for only one thing, it was that she loved to piss off Eric and Bill as much as I did. I liked to think of us sometimes as a supernatural Thelma and Louise; two gals doing everything men can do, and doing it in heels.

When we finally reached the front of the line, we gave our tickets to one of the guys at the gate; a short bald guy in his sixties who from his look of indifference didn't even know who Lady Gaga was.

"You a vampire?" He asked Pam, giving her a judgemental look that only a frighteningly right wing old bastard would give.

"No I'm Mother Teresa." Pam whipped out the sarcasm. "Although I admit we both look pretty hot in blue." She added as we were walking away. Now Mother Teresa was someone I would have never expected Pam to compare herself to.

Pam led me to our seats, well not seats technically; we were in the standing section. Amazingly we were able to wedge ourselves into the front row! It was ironic that the first time I got in the front row at a concert; it was a concert that I wasn't overly excited about.

The warm up act were mercifully short. As was the interval to get drinks- not that I was willing to spend ten bucks on about roughly three mouthfuls of Budweiser. So I felt like all I did was blink twice and Gaga herself came onto stage. Well, you couldn't see her, since she was in a coffin! I could now see that she was taking her role as unofficial "Vampire Idol" deadly serious.

The crowd screamed so loud that I thought my eardrums may have burst. I turned to see what Pam thought of this, but she was busy screaming along.

When Gaga finally climbed out of the coffin I could see she was wearing a dress made of dead carnations! I see she was continuing the dead theme!

Without further ado she started singing! And much to my surprise, that girl could not only sing live but also really rock that microphone! Even more to my surprise I found myself really enjoying it! I didn't sing along, I had a voice like a cat being shoved through a mangle. But I sure could dance, so I did that!

I was lucky I was wearing flats otherwise my feet would've been bleeding by the time Gaga started playing the piano by the time Act one was nearly over.

"I'd like to finish this act with a song I dedicate to all you vampire and shifters out there tonight." Lady Gaga said, now wearing a leotard encrusted with jewels. Everyone cheered, including Pam. She was about as excited as I had ever seen a vampire!

But someone was less happy.

"_I'm gonna stake that bitch now."_ Shot out from the mind of someone just besides the stage. I focused in on it. Shit! It was that old guy at the gate who we gave our tickets. He was clutching at something in a plastic bag. I couldn't believe it, the fellowship had got an inside man.

I nudged Pam in the arm.

"That guy is fellowship. He's gonna stake her." I shouted, but it was too loud for anyone to hear besides her.

Without warning he vaulted over onto the stage and swung for Gaga with the wooden stake. But Pam was ready, she leaped onto the stage and pinned him against the floor in an instant.

Everything afterwards blurred. Security rushed on stage to take the crazy fellowship guy. The crowd panicked, until Gaga reassured them that she was fine and that the show would carry on. She thanked Pam and me and asked us to meet her backstage after the show. And so the show went on!

And what a show it was! After it had finished security led us backstage to meet Gaga. She hugged and thanked us for saving her life and promised to thank us at every show she did. That was better than my own Wikipedia page any day!

"Can you sign these for me please." Pam asked. Whoa! She barely ever said please. She dug into her handbag and brought out multiple copies of Lady Gaga's albums. "One of each in pink, teal and lilac." Pam handed her those three sharpie markers and she obliged.

As she handed them back to Pam, for a brief second I saw Pam's eternally snarky grin slide into a more excited one. But it was only brief, snarky Pam reappeared.

Gaga and Pam talked for over half of an hour; about how Eric was doing, about which designer labels they both liked. I chipped in too; Gaga even said she loved my scrunchie, but was too drained to stay forever. But I didn't want to tell Pam to hurry up because it would seem ungrateful. So I did the only thing that seemed right.

And I fainted.

I awoke on the couch in my house; Pam was drinking a True Blood beside me.

"Could you believe the night we've had? Most fun I've had since Woodstock." Pam said, seeming almost human.

"What about the police? Don't they need to interview us?" I asked.

"They interviewed me when you were out cold. Said they'd interview you tomorrow. I wrote down what I said so we can match our stories."

"I bet we'll be in the papers and everything! And on TV."

"The Oprah show has already emailed me about coming on."

"What about me!" I shouted like a histrionic bitch.

"Come on now. This is to good vampire PR to pass on."

All the times I had risked my life over the past few years I had gotten no media attention. I assumed that stopping a religious fanatic from assassinating the world's biggest pop-star would at least get me some attention but no!

"Do you mind me asking, but how did you faint? All too much for you? Or just that time of the month. Now that's one thing I certainly don't miss about being human." Pam asked.

"I read Gaga's mind." I replied, realising that I had too enjoyable a night to be mad at Pam.

"What was it like?"

"It made Debbie Pelt look normal."

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><p><strong>I don't know if I've got Pam's humor right but I hope you guys liked the story anyway.<strong>

**This is no dig at Lady Gaga, in fact I'm a big fan of hers. I just thought that if any celebrity would be obsessed with vampires, it would have to be her- besides Alexander Skasgaard appearing in the"Paparazzi" music video just makes her fit even better into the SVM universe.**


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